I've taken a few steps back today. I think it's human and to be expected. I'm trying to not beat myself up over it. I almost didn't want to write about it. I was trying to suppress it as 'no big deal' or just something that should be buried away. Truth be told, that would be a even bigger step backwards, to regress to that point in my life where I was afraid to even show the smallest of imperfections. What a sad point that was for me! I remember the crippling pangs of isolation so vividly. It was like wearing a suit of armor on a hot July day at a nude beach and being asked to play volleyball by a whole team of 9 1/2s and your mind just being consumed with all the little scratches the sand would make on the metal.
Anyway. . .
My mind is not in a good place today. My soul got sucked in. My body ate half a pizza and half a box of Girl Scout cookies. (OK, my body truth be told is kind of giving me a high five and explaining that spinach on the pizza and a thin wheat crust means it's good for us, high in iron. She gets a pass.)
My meditation for today did me in, because I may have delved a little deep somewhat unprepared for what I was going to uncover. As it turns out, I resent myself for spending such a long time yielding to my ego. I'm disappointed in all of the time I've spent intentionally making the wrong choices to protect myself from all sorts of imaginary demons without really even checking in first. I'm tired of watching myself not fight for the things that are important, for the aspects of life that matter, because I haven't aligned myself to really even be in the right arena to fight for those things most of the time. I mean, I fought harder against a parking ticket than recently when someone special in my life decided to walk away. That's not acceptable. I've let a false self drive all these years, after I was convinced they knew where they were going and I ended up here.
A quote from Cicero "Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error."
I've been an idiot.
I've proactively given play by plays on the mistakes I would make in an evening. I have been a self-fulfilling prophesy of sabotage for longer than I can even think back.
And I don't know what to do with that.
If I was angry, anger I'm good at working with. Anxiety, even more familiar, I can talk myself off a ledge with the best of them. But, disappointment, I don't know how to handle disappointment. The only experiences I have in dealing with disappointment are deeply rooted way back to childhood and I'm not sure I can count those as 'dealt with' at the end of the day. Even then though I can say, 'deal from within because you can't deal without' or 'don't be affected by other people's decisions, it makes you a victim and that's not you'. But I can't use any of that on this because I did this. I set the fire that took so long to rebuild, I got myself off course, I am the one allowing myself to get away from me. I am the one letting this moment spiral downward. I'm the one looking into the past and not the present moment where I should be getting ready for tonight's birthday festivities.
To make the same mistakes I always do. Cheap shot. I know. Please stop doing that!
I can't do anything about the past, there's a quote eluding me about all the ink in all the world not being able to unwrite a single line of our lives. I have to just accept what's been done. I just have to learn to do better. I don't know how, but it's really the only available option. I don't like this disappointed feeling.
I'm going to start by not eating the other half of those pizza and cookies.
Share your Divinity,
Kimberly
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