Academic Thoughts - 4/23

I stood in front of my bookshelf today and thought about a feeling I've had for a couple of years now. I miss school.

I miss those moments of clarity when I finally grasped a concept that had previously been foreign to me. I remember the dance I did when I finally figured out the chain rule, or learning what a derivative really means and letting out a huge "ohhhhh" in the middle of Physics lecture, or when my ex borrowed my textbook the first weekend of my 10 credit summer of organic chemistry and made me flash cards for all of the reactions I'd need for 1 and 2 so that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed. They could have been cue cards for a Swahili news program at that time, but I remember when the symbols started taking on actual meaning. What an amazing feeling that was!

I miss that tests had correct answers and that, with the exception of marks on essays, grades were pretty black and white. I especially miss multiple choice tests. I miss educated guessing, or choosing B and moving on when I was completely stumped, or being able to skip a challenging question and being able to return to it if time allowed.

I miss structured learning, that sense of security (validity notwithstanding) that grasping the material in the textbook meant mastery of the subject; that once there was a book and a syllabus there was a very finite range that could reasonably be expected in order to succeed.

I miss curves. I miss boosts that accounted for general and widespread imperfections. I miss extra credit questions, just because. I miss trying to figure out with my classmates who broke the curve (even when I already knew it was me). I miss extra points for participation, that just showing up meant something. (Though, as an aside, I do not miss forced attendance to Friday lectures.)

I miss concretely knowing where I stood. I miss rosters with scores next to them. I miss calculating how well I'd have to do on the final to get the grade I wanted by using the weighted average specific to the class. I miss progress being as cut and dry as a single letter in thick red ink.

I miss how simple it was to be classified a "good student".

I miss the sense of satisfaction that I was working toward something rather than just floating about and waiting for the next 'something' to arrive.

I miss the perfectly highlighted page.

I miss open book tests, take home exams, papers and the one page of equations allowed in Calculus, Physics, Statistics, etc. I miss the answers all being as easy as knowing where to find them.

But, why?

There are still plenty of concepts foreign to me. I can choose my own path, my own books. I can abandon a book midway through if I so choose, or a topic entirely. I can work on my own projects, my own passions without #2 pencils, scantrons and someone looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not cheating. I can graffiti pages in all the highlighter I choose. All of it can be important, or none of it, whatever.

In my life I've heard people saying they miss abusive relationships, addiction, crappy family environments, prison, even homelessness. I've always thought that to be insane. Who doesn't prefer freedom?

So why would I miss limitations?

Maybe because I haven't given myself a syllabus or the right learning materials. Maybe because I know I won't do the work without consequences to my inaction. Maybe I never properly learned to cope with uncertainty. Maybe I miss being externally challenged. Or maybe I'm just that tough of a grader. . .