I had this dream last night that really got me thinking. It involved me and someone who I have meditated about recently, sending energy into the universe with the intention of sharing time, and trust, and commonality with this individual. (Who it is is irrelevant, this person has just been on my mind and I think that's why the dream presented itself as it did. Nothing more.)
The dream begins with me sitting at the computer. I have a lot of tabs open and two Venti Starbucks cups on the desk, keyboard in my lap, my chair leaned all the way back. (All key indicators that I am hard at work on a task I am relishing.) I was talking to myself, but I don't remember what I was saying.
Then he is blindfolded in an airport, and I'm sitting on a mid sized piece of luggage a few feet away, smiling.
After that, the dream becomes this montage of amazing, personal experiences clearly centered around what I would interpret a fantasy trip for him to be. I was having a great time as well, but, as we are all human, I think most people will get my point without going on about that. I kept looking at him, looking into his face. I was getting this overwhelming feeling like he was a stranger, because his expression was hollow. Excursion of a lifetime, still there was no joy, or peace, or gratitude in his face. He could have been alone at a supermarket contemplating which paper towels to buy and been more engaged. (This is why the identity is not discussed, I'm not going to hold anyone accountable for their state of being in my dream.)
And the more indifferent he was, the more furious I became. Ruining my own time. Giving him the consent to rile me in indescribable ways. I threw a vase of calla lillies, the vase was unharmed but the flowers shattered.
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At first my interpretation was "you feel undervalued". I left it there. There was still a nagging feeling though that this needed to be reconsidered. "By who?" I asked myself. Turns out, I'm not all that sure which character was meant to represent me.
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There are times when I don't feel very grateful for myself. I do a lot for me. I am taking this journey for me. I never really allow myself to want for anything. I have invested a great deal of time and resources in my education and personal fulfillment. I give myself everything. I value my health on all levels. I love little more than the sight of my own smile. I experience joy when I'm happy and bliss when I'm joyful. And yet, I don't express gratitude nearly enough. I am frustrated by looking at a hollow self staring back at me. Rather than pushing the issue though, I instead look for gratitude in the outside world. I am not shy about communicating to my friends about what is missing or what is needed in our interpersonal relationships. This honesty has cost me people, yes, admittedly I sometimes lack the appropriate tact for that conversation, but that's another issue. My point is, why have I not sat me down and told me this is unacceptable until today?
Compounding my frustration is that I also don't seek help from others when I can at all avoid it. There are so many people out there who would rather something be freely done for them or given to them than to do it, get it, earn it themselves. I'm all for trading resources, bartering, all of that to fill in areas of skill and knowledge gaps, no one is an island. But I feel like the people who shout "Help Me" the loudest are typically the first ones out the door when those words are so much as uttered by someone else. I used to be very against those people, I considered them selfish and toxic, but after considering it they have my sympathy and I meditate for their empowerment, it's typically a weakness and/or a lack of confidence more than a malevolent desire to get over on people. At any rate, in an effort to never be that person myself I try to carry as much of my own weight as I can. I tell myself that it will make me stronger rather than expressing thanks. That needs to stop.
William Arthur Ward penned "God gave you 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say Thank You?" I'm going to take a lesson from my dream and use more of mine that way.
Thank you for reading. :-)
Share your divinity,
Kimberly
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