The last few days

So a very important lesson just clicked over the last few days, that actually I've been learning for a while I suppose, but I think it just finally hit me.

I wanted to find a really deep quote for this, but nothing expressed it exactly, so I'm going with my own metaphor. People who genuinely care about you and your well being are like a great pair of pantyhose. They're supportive just where you need them to be and they don't run.

I have always taken myself too seriously. When I have something important to share but I don't know how it will be received I almost always (while sober) err on the side of silence. I would rather most people know almost nothing about me than to think even for a moment that I am damaged. I really don't know why I held on to that as long as I have. Most of the people I love in my life have a ton of battle scars. Why is it 'character' on people I love but damage when it's a part of me? Because I've never put trust in the people closest to me to love me because of (rather than in spite of) my insanity, issues, character flaws, quirks and just overall all human nature bullshit.

The irony is, in trying to be the me I want to be rather than the me I currently am, I've lost more people than if I would have had I just been my genuine authentic self in the first place. On top of that, when people did choose to run I don't think it would have hurt as much, because I would have either not chosen those people in the first place or at least not been left to wonder 'what if I had just been more open'.

In the last three weeks, I have been as honest as possible. I have opened up to friends about experiences that I would have never shared in the past. I spoke openly about my breakdown last year. I have been more open to new people and new life situations. I have tactfully removed venom from some scathing words (a known defense mechanism for this individual) to reveal probably one of the greatest compliments ever bestowed upon me. I rallied a small crowd after a particularly sad life event and had a man come into the ladies room and hold my hair while I paid homage to the porcelain deities after the Jameson fairy was extra generous. I have publicly sung new songs completely out of my range because I wanted to, playfully hung furry hand cuffs from my car's rear view mirror, enlisted help at work when I needed to add voices to my cause. Every aspect of my life, I've welcomed the world into with open arms.

And I've gotten more invites, more "I love you"s, felt more valuable and gotten more support than I have in years.

I have had so many moments of bliss over this past week where another version of me would have worried about judgements, about speculation that I'm not perfect.

Guess what. . . I'm not.

And anyone who thinks any less of me, please keep silent on your way out. Your judgment of me is none of my damn business.

For all of you who know who you are, heart on my sleeve and spirit in my soul. Thank you. I love you!

Share your Divinity,

Kimberly