OK, so it has been a while. I own that I fell off track in the middle, came off my meditation, my readings, my me time, my progress, all of it. I just put it on coast for a few weeks. What's important is that I'm back, and even if this makes 71 days become a few weeks longer, it's an important lesson to learn that I can fall, get up, brush off, and luckily make a couple of adjustments and start again. And so I shall.
Today was an amazing day! My meditation this morning was my first of a bunch dealing with Surrender. This morning I thought about my walls and how I can get them lowered safely without any real casualties. I've done a little bit of talking about this in a round about way, but one of the big walls I have protects me from embarrassment and shame. I have a lot of anxiety surrounding the controlled exposure of my faults. I think that's somewhat natural. My flaws are mine to give and I work very hard to not air out anyone else's dirty laundry, so that respect should be reciprocal. But I was going about this all wrong though, because it seemed the higher I tried to build this wall the more shame I felt. As it turns out, vandals have been kicking my lower bricks right out from under me. That could have been catastrophic. But I was building up so tall that I never looked around me, until it was almost too late. Yielding nothing is just as devoid of control as yielding everything. I'm going to allow a wider range of people to see me for who I really am. I have to. I have to surrender that I am safe and that the right people won't use me as a weapon against me. And if I invite the wrong people in, if I'm attacked with myself, I have to just pick up my things and go as soon as I recognize it. If I get very hurt, I have recently learned how to work human crutches. (Love you, guys) No shame for being wrong, no embarrassment for the past, I have to dust myself off no matter what the interim from peace and health and keep on my journey with dignity. I have renewed my commitment to my health and my livelihood, to my quest for bliss, to a love so deep and abundant my knees barely support me from all the weakness, to friends who love me unconditionally and who are willing to shout that to the world, especially on days where my own faith in that waivers, for people who I can allow in and not have trepidations that pictures of my messy apartment will end up on the 6 o'clock news and for loved ones who won't point and laugh if it does happen.
Today, that is my surrender.
And thank you for everything!
Namaste,
Kimberly
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